posting now cause i reckon i'm gonna be out someplace later for whatever everybody calls it - countdown. does that word spell any good at all?
for some people - looking forward to a year of joy unlike the last? looking forward to a year being freed of troubles which they had previously? finding the answers they were searching for all their life, only to unravel everything the coming year? well we're speaking of hope. how many people often get to fulfill their wishes?
for others - dreading the start of another year due to entering a new phase of their life in any possible way. the want to relish and indulge in their own fantasies which could possibly be tarnished by certains events that could take place in the coming year. the want to remain oblivious to everything/anything and just lay back and lead their lives at the own pace they render most appropriate.
personally, i don't really look forward to the new year cause all i want now is just to continue slacking and not face the upcoming 'A' levels. my greatest fear of all time.

unfortunately, not everything goes the way you want and that's too, a fact that i must be able to accept. maybe that's what life was meant to be from the start - just not the way you ever imagined it to be.

mixed emotions are taking me over. anyhow, happy new year ya'll. enjoy whilst you can.

something says to me don't be afraid
but if i don't worry i'll surely slip away
i need to speak to you, hear what you say
but if i breathe too hard i think i'll go insane

there's a part of me, so insecure
of all that i could have and all that i've gone through
if there could be a way through a better design
i'd probably screw it up and let it slip away

well i wonder if i stayed here
would you become a better part of me
i can say now that you changed me
and i've become a better part of me

i am the strongest i have ever been
the very thought of you can't even comprehend
the safest bet for me is to focus hard
and try to face myself, i can't take it anymore

i hope i'm everything
that i need to be
you are my everything
so i'll just stay


course of nature - better part of me

my throat/voice is pretty much fucked. not for just a day, but an entire week already. i'm beginning to detest the time spent every night just purely dedicated to coughing my lungs out. at night everything just seems to get so much more worse, and i haven't been able to get any decent rest since i-don't-know-when.
my sister told me this morning that she has a sore throat now and it has to be my fault for passing the unwanted germs to her. maybe i should just move to another room and not disturb her with my constant coughing, spreading the bacteria all around. now i feel bad.
glory says i passed my sore throat to her too. jacq feels sick. eunice has lost her voice. hope it's all not because of me. maybe it's this virus that's going around? hah whatever it is, hope everyone gets well.

financially, i'm also in the dumps. broke beyond broke :(

xmas eve was spent at SOS, pretty fun night with great company. thanks to all of you for making the night such a wonderful one. got home pretty late, but thank god no trouble from the parental units.
xmas was spent at london nights at boat quay. good party and many of my friends got pretty wasted but not me, hur. well my mom was nagging quite alot bout staying out late on two nights consecutively. ain't it supposedly the festive season anyway? mom, just cut me some slack aight?

have a sorta sandy voice now, if you know what that means. but the throat ain't pain so it's kinda weird.

went down to SOS last night again and despite it being a repeated affair, i would say that it was sheer enjoyment and joy. so the night ended on a good note because my parents weren't actually bothered by the fact that i returned home at four am but that would have to be because they were oblivious. only have my lucky stars to thank cause i passed my curfew by three entire hours and nothing like what i had expected happened to me.
anyhow, i'm getting ill and having a sore throat followed by a slight fever. my dad says it's cause i don't get enough sleep and i agree totally on that point. think i'm suffering from insomnia and it's a severe case this time round. sleeping pills could probably do the trick so i might have to turn to that as a last resort.
just took medicine. hope i'll be able to sleep well tonight, for once in sixteen days.

ya well before i close my eyes
i can see a world in front of me
the only thing i wish
is that i wish that i could say

there's a world outside
and everybody i know
is standing in line
there's a world outside
there's a world outside
and i'm trapped in here

last night at SOS was alright i guess even though there wasn't much of a huge crowd. got just a little wasted for a brief part of the night. but just a little, so it was pretty harmless.
stayed out till 8am in the morning and i swear it was really a wee bit too boring for me to take. 5/6am has been my bedtime ever since i had returned from switzerland(7 hours behind time) and it's really affecting my sleep to a certain extent. so just now when it hit 5am i was starting to feel all tired and grouchy, uncomfortable and disturbed. kinda know how it feels like to be homeless now and i don't ever wanna feel that way again, ever!
as always after a night of clubbing without sleep all the way till i get home in the morning, i don't feel tired now. but soon after i know i'll just plop down on my bed and fall into a deep deep sleep in my comfy bed :)

(to muffs j)

feeling really sorry now for not telling you about whatever and whoever. i'm sorry that got you a little pissed. sometimes i just can't tell you some stuff because i just ain't sure about anything at all, and i wouldn't want any unecessary misunderstandings to occur due to my mindless rantings or whatever you may choose to call it. can't even sort my feelings out by myself and that leaves me pretty confused about a zillion and one things. hope you'll try to understand.

i've got a bad disease
from my brain is where i bleed
insanity it seems
has got me by my soul to squeeze

well all the love from me
with all the dying trees i scream
the angels in my dream, yeah
they turn to demons of greed
that's me

where i go i just don't know
i've got to, got to, gotta take it slow
when i find my peace of mind
i'm gonna give you some of my good time

today love smiled on me
it took away my pain, said please
oh let your ride be free
you gotta let it be, oh yeah

where i go i just don't know
i've got to, gotta, gotta take it slow
when i find my peace of mind
i'm gonna give you some of my good time

oh so polite indeed
well i got everything i need
oh make my days a breeze
and take away my self-destruction

it's bitter baby and it's very sweet
i'm on a roller coaster but i'm on my feet
take me to the river lay me on your shore
well i'll be comin' back baby
i'll be comin' back for more
do do do do ding
go sing a dong bong
go ding ba domba somba nomba cong dong bing
i could not forget but i will not endeavor
simple pleasures are more special
but i won't regret it never

where i go i just don't know
i've got to, got to, gotta take it slow
when i find my peace of mind
i'm gonna give you some of my good time

where i go i just don't know
i might end up somewhere in Mexico
when i find my peace of mind
i'm gonna keep it for the end of time

gastric problems acting up again. argh, hope it isn't another case of gastric flu. pain and more pain - inhibiting my movements. it's the kinda lingering pain but yet not the direct sharp pain that's hitting me now so it's more or less an in-between feeling. no good at all because i sense the real and intense pain is gonna hit me pretty damn soon.

finally back. finding myself face to face with reality again. don't like abit of what i see. don't like where i am now.
there's this want to leave for good.
there's this fear in me and try as i might, i can't explain its presence.
there is this lingering passion. can't explain it either.
i'm afraid i can't explain anything right now. too many thoughts running through my head and they don't seem to disappear. replaying/repeating - that's all they ever do. cmon, fiddle with my mind. obviously they don't know the mind can't take it.
at least, not mine.